If you are an athlete or fan of any sport, you understand how commonplace physical injuries are in the sports world. Though these injuries undoubtedly take a serious toll on the athletes’ bodies, the outcomes on their mental wellbeing often go unnoticed. Annabelle Calderon, recent graduate of and former softball catcher for Denison University sat down with Sack the Stigma to discuss the injuries she battled while playing collegiate softball and how she physically and mentally overcame them.
Brooke Woodrum, Sack the Stigma: What got you involved in playing softball?
Annabelle Calderon: I have been playing softball since I was five. I come from a long line of athletes. My mom played softball in college at Eastern Michigan, but the funny thing is she had to medically retire due to injury her sophomore year. All I heard about growing up was how good my mom was and she had more or less the same expectations for me, so I kept playing. I actually went through a couple bouts in my life where I was convinced that I wouldn’t be playing softball anymore, so I took some time off. The reason that I’m playing in college is because I found a coach back in California who made me fall in love with the sport again. Right around my sophomore year of high school, I had a pretty devastating concussion that took me out for the entire second semester of sophomore year. I found this coach who we had been playing against for a couple of years and he asked me to come out to a practice, because at that point, I was done. I hated softball and I blamed softball being hurt. I went out to practice and I fell in love with the girls and the team, so I finished out my pre-college softball there.
STS: How has your experience been playing softball at the collegiate level?
Calderon: It has been so challenging. In college, you’re not just playing softball, there are so many other things involved with it. For one, schoolwork is harder in college than it is in high school, but you’re also learning how to be an independent individual. A huge part of our culture here is the weight room where we lift and it’s known across all other programs at Denison that softball is really invested in the weight room. We also have other things like speed and agility training, so it’s been a lot, but it has provided the best possible outcomes. Even with everything I’ve dealt with to be able to stay on the field, it’s all been worth it because I got a family out of it. We always say “DUSB Family” and we put so much emphasis on family. Our core values involve nothing but support, love, and of course to compete. I have found my people in this program that I am so fortunate to be a part of. Every year we have a new team because you always have people graduating and then you always have newbies. If you think about it, even if you have a few returners, it’s always a new team and a new dynamic, but every single year I’ve found my family over and over again. Playing in college has been so rewarding and I cannot be more thankful for all of my coaches, the faculty involved, professors who come out to games, and of course my athletic trainer.
STS: You had mentioned to me that you underwent an ankle reconstruction surgery last November. How did this surgery affect your mental health? In what ways were your physical and mental health connected?
Calderon: My sophomore year I had a complete fluke injury to my ankle. I literally was running to first on a single, stepped on first base, and completely destroyed my ankle. It was broken and we didn’t know at the time, but I had ruptured two ligaments and partially tore another. My only goal at that point was to get back on the field as soon as possible because it was the middle of the season. We focused on rehabbing so I could get out and play again, but now I can’t really remember much about the rest of that season. The injury impacted me so much mentally that the entire summer after I stepped away from softball completely. I got into this headspace where I blamed softball but I didn’t want to lose my love for it. Anytime someone asks me about myself I say, ‘I just love softball. I just want to play ball, that’s all I want to do.’ That summer after my sophomore year I didn’t want to look at a ball, I didn’t want to touch a bat, and I couldn’t even watch it on TV.
I was devastated after that year. When we came back in the fall, I started trying to get back out there, but it got progressively worse. I was mad. I was mad because I could do some things in the weight room or in conditioning even though there was pain, I still could do it. On the field, it felt impossible. When I met with my surgeon, he told me my only option was to have the reconstruction surgery, but at this point it was late November. The very first thing he told me was that I would maybe be back for conference play, but I would miss everything before. I was so reluctant to have the surgery, but everybody agreed that this would be the best thing for me, but I didn’t believe them. Following surgery, I fell into a really bad depression. I felt like nobody knew what I was going through and nobody could relate to me. It was really hard to feel comfortable talking to people and telling the people that matter the most to me that I was struggling. I was silent. I didn’t want to say anything, I just wanted to be back on the field, and I equated myself feeling better to being able to do just that. I had this idea in my head that if I could just be okay physically, then all the mental stuff would go away, but that wasn’t true at all.
I started overtraining and I was so laser focused on softball that my grades tanked at the beginning of the semester. I got cleared a lot earlier than I was supposed to, but as I started playing again, I finally figured out that playing wasn’t everything. My relationships also suffered because of this. I wasn’t strong enough mentally at the time to be there for my roommates who were also going through things. I ended up having to move out to prioritize myself, but I lost those relationships because of it. Once I could finally get myself to a place where I felt comfortable, I started seeing someone through Denison’s Emotional Resilience Coaching Program, and that made a world of difference. I was able to work through the things I was working with mentally, while I’ve been doing all of this work physically.
The very first week that I got cleared to start squatting again as a catcher, something happened with my knee and I had to get a cortisone injection. What we ended up finding out at the end of our season, is I ended up playing the rest of the season on a completely torn meniscus and on broken cartilage. By the time that happened, I got to a point where I could handle that because I started talking to people around me about how I was feeling. I remember one moment so distinctly where I was on the phone with my mom and it had been a really hard day all around, that I just felt like I had hit rock bottom. Once I hit that and was able to talk about it, I was able to start feeling the feelings I had going on, which helped me physically. I think a lot of what I was going through physically was a mental block because I didn’t trust myself. I didn’t trust myself sliding, catching, or hitting again. I finally broke that barrier and everything started to get better. I was able to focus more on school and I finished the semester very strong in the classroom, I had a really good season, and I was able to go into the summer a lot more prepared for the next surgery I had at the end of the season, which I was able to recover from in a more positive way.
STS: Looking at your softball experience now following your injuries and surgeries, what does playing softball mean to you and how does that differ from how you viewed softball at the beginning of your career?
Calderon: When I came in as a first year, this felt like what I was supposed to do. I knew I was supposed to go to college and play ball while doing it. After everything I’ve been through, I now didn’t just love the sport, I truly fell in love with the sport. Softball is a piece of who I am, it’s not just the sport I play. When people ask me who I am and what I do, softball is one of the very first things I talked about. I’ve been through so much and I’ve pushed myself so hard to be on the field to represent my school. Our sport is bigger than us and my injuries have taught me that. The moment you have to step away from your sport and be there for your teammates, it all looks different, but that’s what it really matters. It’s not just about me getting in the box and trying to hit the ball, it’s being out there at practice, being mindful as a team, and being out there as a family. We do mindfulness before and after every practice to reflect on how we can take the good things from that day and help us be better because of it.
Softball is so much bigger than just a sport and I didn’t really get that until after surgery. I learned how to be an even better teammate, but I also learned how to be an even better person. Through my experience, I learned how to be there for people I really care about even when I can’t give 100% myself. Sometimes your 100% is only 30% of what you’re capable of, but if you can give that full 30%, that’s all that matters. Playing a sport in college is so rewarding no matter what happens. Whether you go through your whole career being a starter whose never missed a game or you’re a practice player and your whole goal is to make sure your A-team is going as hard as they possibly can so your program can win, you’re going to get so much farther if you fall in love with your role.
When I talk about what I get out of softball, being there, at the end of the day, is everything. When I couldn’t play, it didn’t really matter. I knew that I was doing what I needed on the back end to hopefully earn my spot back on the field. The person who was playing in my spot deserved every second of playing time she got, and so I had to learn and refocus my ability to support the person who was playing where I wanted to be playing. Because of softball, I’ve been able to figure out what kind of person I am and what kind of person I want to be.
STS: What advice would you give to other athletes who are currently dealing with or have dealt with an injury?
Calderon: I had to completely reframe my mindset. I went into my first surgery thinking that something had been done to me and I wasn’t sure how I was going to make it through it. Throughout my entire recovery, I wasn’t thinking, ‘how can I get back on the field?’, I was thinking, ‘what if I never see the field again?’ The best piece of advice I could give someone is before you’re even told what the next step is, whether it’s surgery, physical therapy, or maybe taking some time off the sport, you have to prioritize your health and you have to look at that in a positive way. Think of it as, ‘I’m going to do this so I GET to be back on the field and I GET to be back with my team, and this is what’s going to get me there.’ If you can change the way you think about your injury, you can focus more on the process, and less on the outcome.
You have to focus on the small goals. When I got cleared to jump, I jumped every day. I don’t care if it was doing hops in my room or if it was getting down and doing that in the weight room. When I was cleared to walk, I would get on a treadmill and walk for as long as I possibly could. Those were my small goals and those were my small wins. You can’t win a game in one swing or one play, it’s a team effort. If you can focus on the process ahead and take it one step at a time, you’ll be able to keep yourself in a much more positive mindset. The moment you feel like you’ve hit a stall, which happens in every recovery, you’ll feel like you’re going backward if you’re looking too far into the future. If you can focus on getting over the bump you’re dealing with at that moment, then you’re going to be a lot more successful and you’ll be in a much more positive mindset. We’re athletes, we want to win. Injury or not, if you don’t focus on the details, you’re not going to be as good of an athlete as you want to be. The same goes for recovery. If you don’t focus on the little details and praise yourself for the little wins you’re not going to get anywhere.
STS: Why is it important to Sack the Stigma?
Calderon: The worst thing you can do is suffer in silence, and that’s what stigma does. Stigma makes you want to keep everything down and not talk about things because you’re so scared of what everyone is going to think. I was so afraid that if my teammates saw me struggling that they would think less of me as an athlete and as a person, but this was all in my head. If we as student athletes don't get to a point where it’s okay to talk about things, we’re going to keep seeing the patterns that have been going on for years. I have so many friends who have retired over the past couple of years because sports are so taxing. If you can’t talk about things and you feel like everyone just brushes you off, you won’t feel very motivated to keep pushing through it, because stepping away will feel a lot easier. It’s really sad to see athletes who have to step away, even my own mother who had to medically retire. My mom had no support. There was nobody there who told her that it was going to be okay and that it would get better. My mom did not have the support that I am fortunate enough to have today. I am fortunate to have a coach that tells me, ‘No matter what you choose, this is your family, and we’re going to take care of you.’
STS: How do you Sack the Stigma?
Calderon: I talk about it all the time. I used to be a really closed off person who didn’t want to talk about my feelings, but I got to a point where I decided that I could use my own voice and experience to make sure other athletes don't feel the same. There are two organizations on campus that specifically help with athletes’ mental health. We have Mission 34, which was founded here at Denison but have groups at other universities and then a homebase organization, DSAAC, that was founded when we lost a Denison baseball player a couple years ago to suicide. His mom and his family created this organization that I am now a part of. We do a lot of suicide and mental health awareness work as well as trainings. We also do as much tabling as possible to try and make any athlete’s day, but really anyone’s day, because mental health affects anyone and everyone. In the past we have given out coffee and doughnuts, or cookies, to try and get people over and talking with us. I also got to talk on a podcast we have on campus called “Uncut” that is all about the uncomfortable conversations we have, and mental health is one of them.
At the end of the day, I just try to be vulnerable about my own experiences so that other people can be vulnerable about their experiences. When there is no stigma and everyone is free to talk about mental health, we can have an open conversation where everybody feels supported to talk about what they’re going through and know that they have people.
The impact of athletes’ injuries go far beyond the physical body, but it can feel challenging to be vulnerable when all you want to do is get back in the game. However, an athlete’s, and any person’s, number one priority is their wellbeing and health. Before you get ahead of yourself thinking how you can possibly get back in the game, Calderon recommends: “Before you’re even told what the next step is, whether it’s surgery, physical therapy, or maybe taking some time off the sport, you have to prioritize your health and you have to look at that in a positive way.” Your mental and physical health as an athlete and as a human are important and valued.